There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Sex so good you see dead people.