The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I put the p in pants.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”