FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*sewing*
A thread
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!