FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.