Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME: to what?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before