No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher