No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

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Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja


I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me


Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend


GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice


I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’


A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink



FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?



ME: to what?


Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before