Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
the council will decide your fate
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.