Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
This anagram machine is out of order.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.