@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

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@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

@michimama75

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@TheNardvark

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

@the_anastasia

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

@

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.