*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.


A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.


Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.


Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”


BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.


No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.


It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.


Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.