*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
You Might Also Like
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this