Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.