I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
one of
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
That’s no pocket rocket.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?