When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it鈥檚 my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren鈥檛 we
king kong: oh you鈥檙e one to talk
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I鈥檒l take it.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i鈥檓 married
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it鈥檚 the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I鈥檓 really crushing my water intake today
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I鈥檝e ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.