When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,![]()
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
normalize having existential bread
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My neck, my back, my…
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.