When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
dutch so unserious
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
