Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
There’s only one good girl here!
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Don’t we all.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*