*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks