Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.