New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave