My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Mornin. * use accordingly
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Unicyclists should just walk if they鈥檙e so desperate to cut down on wheels
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I鈥檝e licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 馃檪
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Knowing that Tolkien鈥檚 original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I鈥檓 going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Let鈥檚 settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If you鈥檙e a parent don鈥檛 forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I鈥檓 an endangered species.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.