HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
hi why am I like this
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
You got this…
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.