Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
philosophical skeletons be like
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.