Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
There’s only one good girl here!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce