There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.