It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
True
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.