there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Follow me for more life hacks.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus