My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Worth the read.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*