I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
#polloftheday
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
me working on my assignments ^-^
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even