@Not_From_Troy

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

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@kelkulus

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

@TopherKearby

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@Smartassylassy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@dafloydsta

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?