[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero