Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”