The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m being attacked 😭
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.