Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
How software testing works
Wednesday
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack