*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
any last words?