Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Natty or not?

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

the worm is coming from inside the brain

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.