Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.