A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I want what they have
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.