I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.