All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
meanwhile over on facebook
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him