Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I am having an out of money experience.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.