Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
What do you hear?