[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Very good news from my accountant
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Oh the world we live in…
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
#Caturday
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff