Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.