Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”