My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test