Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.