If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.