Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Strange
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
#milo
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.