[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*