Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”