exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys