You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*exercises sarcastically*
my first day as a raccoon
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.