Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
That time Alicia messaged me
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Is your wife single?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.