them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You Might Also Like
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.