me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?