*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
thinking about a very short hotdog
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian