My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
boat question
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”